"Who do I know?" beats the multi-tab rabbit hole every time.

There's a specific kind of evening I know too well. It turns up at the end of a long day, when something's landed that needs sorting, a boat problem, a client gone quiet, an idea that's started nagging and won't let go. Instead of asking a single human being, I open seventeen browser tabs, two AI platforms and go feral on a forum where strangers are deep in the weeds of something that's kinda-sorta my actual problem, but more interesting. Three hours later I have either half an opinion or too  many to count, a headache, and I'm not any closer to putting the issue to bed.

Somewhere in there, a much better question was sitting right next to me the whole time.

Who is in my tribe who knows about this stuff and can help me get it sorted in ten minutes flat?

The rabbit hole feels productive. It rarely is

Here's the trick the rabbit hole plays on you. It feels like work. You're reading, cross-referencing, building a little dossier in your head, so surely you're being thorough. What you're actually doing, most of the time, is avoiding the slightly more exposed move of 'troubling a busy someone' and asking for help.

I've started noticing this as a kind of readiness marker, in myself and in the women I work with. The ones about to make a proper, considered decision aren't asking "what do I need to go and research?" They're asking "who do I know who's already been here?"

Small shift in the question. Enormous shift in everything downstream of it.

Asking around beats the solo dig for three reasons. It's faster... someone who's already solved your problem gets you there quicker than any search engine or AI friend. It forces you to stop and actually consider other people's expertise, rather than assuming you're meant to work everything out on your own. And, most importantly, it does something Google, Chatty, Claude (insert you favourite AI nickname here) cannot: it strengthens an actual relationship, one conversation at a time, instead of leaving you exactly as alone as you were before you opened the laptop.

Two different asks, and it helps to know which one you're making

Not every "who do I know" question is the same question. Sometimes you want information: someone who knows the thing, who can save you the three hours, who can tell you which supplier is reliable and which one ghosts. That's an expertise ask. You want someone who already knows, not someone to build something with.

Other times you're not after information at all. You want someone to run with you on it, to be in your corner while you figure out the harder, less googleable stuff. That's a tribe ask. Nobody can hand you a spreadsheet for it. You just need to not be doing it alone.

Neither one is collaboration. Collaboration is a different thing again, when two of you actually build something together. These two are just about being clear on what you're asking for before you ask it.

Most people muddle the two, and then feel oddly let down when the friend who's brilliant at moral support turns out to be useless on supplier contracts, or the industry contact who nails the technical answer has zero interest in hearing how you're feeling about any of it.

Neither of them failed you. You asked the right person the wrong kind of question.

The unspoken rule, so I'll say it out loud

Most people are remarkably generous with a fair ask, provided it doesn't turn into a standing appointment. There's a real etiquette here nobody actually says out loud: don't go back to the same person every single week for the free version of an engagement that deserves paying for. Respect their time the way you'd want yours respected. Expect to pay for expertise when that's what you're actually asking for, and keep the free asks for the properly quick, occasional ones. Reciprocity is what turns "who do I know" from a favour bank you're steadily draining into an actual relationship two people want to keep having.

And while we're here: an echo chamber is still a rabbit hole

I'll add the part about AI nobody quite says either, because it's been on my mind. Asking an AI tool a question isn't the same as asking a person, and it isn't a fair swap for either kind of ask above. It won't tell you which supplier ghosted three other people last year. It won't sit with you while you work through the harder, messier thing.

It's another rabbit hole, just a faster, more articulate one.

Worth noticing the moment you've swapped one echo chamber for another without ever actually picking up the phone.

So, who do you actually know?

Next time you feel the pull to open another tab, try the other question first. Who do I know who's already stood exactly here? It costs you a moment of feeling like you're meant to have this sorted alone, and it buys you time, a stronger relationship, and usually a far better answer than the forum ever gave you.

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